he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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