textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
