So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
