so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux