is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?