Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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