I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
