I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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