I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's never too late to be topless.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
