It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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