Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
so much tequila, so little girl.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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