I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
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Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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