You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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