You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
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If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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