8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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