I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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