There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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