i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
