Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
