Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A bitchslap is in order.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
