Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
