I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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