I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize