So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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