Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
