woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is Oprah even human
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
