Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Houston, we have a squirter
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
