I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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