I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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