just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
