I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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