im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So vagazzling was a success
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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