You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
