The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
