I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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