Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
