and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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