Having a random hookup so left but love u
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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