I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
