I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
