Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
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