Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
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I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
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There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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