it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
