Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
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I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
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I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dicks are not precious.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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