the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
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I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize