Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
