It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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