I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
