I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
