There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
