I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
