Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I love having hate sex.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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