i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is Oprah even human
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
