she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
