More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
