1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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