I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
