So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
