worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
